The whole reason for my writing my weekly blog is because I still haven’t gotten over the fact that I have reached the great age of 60!!!! When did this happen you may ask? Six years ago I turned 60 and I still can’t get it into my head. What in the heck have I been doing for the last 36 years?
The last thing I can remember was getting married and walking down the aisle. I remember going to the Bahamas for a honeymoon and from there on it is a big, fast, blur. There was a first apartment in France. I remember decorating it and it was darling. I had to learn French very fast since only one or two people in our town spoke English. We started a business and I designed our products and created the marketing as well as all of the writing materials. We bought our dog, best dog in the world, a German Shepard from Germany and I named him Reagan so that I could have a piece of Americana around me in my very foreign land. The living and the married life and the business life were all one. The worries began and frankly seemed to be unremitting, interminable, persistent, a virtual marathon of worries and problems. I had to get used to living in a relatively small French city, as a wife, speaking a foreign language 100% of the time… listening carefully while trying to pick out words that I recognized. Getting along with a large group of my husband’s family … not all, but a good amount of the more distant relatives looked on our marriage and me, as an oddity. When we were married, two of my husband’s relatives told my husband that they gave our marriage three years. My husband’s parents started working in our business helping out which was, of course, very nice of them however, they came to our apartment for a hot lunch… French people … especially older French people, from the country, demand a full hot lunch everyday. I wasn’t used to having to make three hot meals a day for four people. It was expected of a French wife to clean the house and iron everything including the sheets and towels as well as my husband’s underwear and socks. I had never ironed more than one or two pieces of clothes in my life! All this was expected along with working full-time. I do remember that I would go to the library in our town almost every week and I would take out several novels in English. To get away from all of the new problems and issues from my new life I would shut the door of my bedroom and read. I read three to four books a week sometimes even more. Before we moved from our small French city I had read every book in English that the library had housed. My reading material was composed of about three large floor to ceiling metal bookshelves filled to capacity.
We moved to the South of France and yes, there were happy days. I love Europe. I love France. I love to visit new places and tasting new dishes and learning other cultures. I loved a lot of my life but worry often drowns out the fun times and the happy moments. We spent a lot of our time worrying about shipments and orders and waiting for checks in the mail. It is very hard to concentrate on anything else in life if you are waiting for a check to pay your bills. Days and months and years flash by … I became pregnant with our first child. We decided to move back to the United Sates to be closer to my family
My husband changed jobs and once again started a new company. For him it was a new land and new business and new child. More moments of fun and happiness always with that nervousness, often financial, which makes it so hard to focus on anything else.
We moved again to the West of America and moved into my mother’s vacation home. A few years went by and my second son was born. My children grew, life had it’s ups and downs and on and on it goes by so, so fast. Some good years, some bad, the marriage also had its ups and downs. Then one day it seemed to end… I felt it was over completely. We separated and moved back together until last year when I moved out on my own.
The children have grown to adults. All of that past work and worry. What did it accomplish? I don’t know? Where in the world did I go? What became of me? The girl who loved the theater, the one who forced and pushed her way into many exciting events…. this girl who had been all over the world and met all kinds of exciting people. She was going to go places and really make a mark in this world. Here I am, still can’t believe it … life seems like a dream. I awoke one morning and I was 66 years old. Does anyone else feel like they just woke up out of a dream? Where did all of my life go? In other words, “ Where have I been all my life?”
Guess what? I still worry. I worry that being the healthy person that the doctors tell me I am, I therefore, might live to be very old. This also means that I have to keep paying the bills and keep working. Such a surprise that I have had to run my own company and at the same time working at a part-time job, at the grand old age of 66! Would I have imagined this as a young woman? NO! I assumed life would be easier and I would be one, of an old married couple, that travels for fun. I’m hoping that this old age thing that I guess I have to embrace isn’t going to be boring. I am still interested in many things and many people. Yes, I still can’t believe that I am over 60. I still love to meet new people and I like learning new things. Surprisingly, I still like the idea of romance and dating and all things that someone who is 66 should have stopped thinking about years ago. My goal for the future is to try to enjoy life, notice the present, forget the past and by all means HAVE SOME FUN! I think it is normal to worry but I will try to push it to the farthest place in the back of my mind, at least for most of each day.
Until Next Week
2 thoughts on “Where Have I Been All My Life?”
Success Coach Toni Miller
A wise friend asked me recently, “During the decade of your 50’s, how did the passing of time seem?”. I thought for a moment and replied “It was a nice progression of years with interesting life changes”. His next question was about this decade. The decade of my 60’s, knowing I am 67 years old…he asked, “How about since you turned 60, how has the passing of time been?”. In an instant I replied “Oh my gosh, it has flown by in a blink, I just turned 60 yesterday it seems”. My 80 year old friend looked me in the eyes and told me that if there is anything I have been putting off doing or have an idea to explore, to DO IT NOW.
Life is short. He is correct. Our bodies change, Our desires change. Our abilities to do things change.
I have thought about this conversation for the past month, since it took place. I am still vibrant but the truth is, I don’t have the energy I had 10 years ago or even 5 years ago.
I want to have a relationship. I want to share my life with a great guy that I love and who loves me. I don’t know where he is. I have looked at the people I come in contact with at work and with friends. I tell friends I am available if they know of someone decent. I have even gone online.
I have considered moving to a different part of the country. Now that is a real stretch. I really cannot afford to do that. Which brings me to retirement. I would love to relax and not exhaust myself at work, but that is not financially sound thinking at this time. You see, I never, I mean never thought I would be alone at this time in my life. Yet here I am, alone.
But I have my dog, who I adore and who needs me too. I have a job. I have my health. And I am not going to give up on seeing myself happy and comfortable in the years to come. Don’t know what that exactly looks like, but I will be fine.
Do I worry? Yes! But I know that I must live life in the present. And as long as I do that I will enjoy what I have. Right now I am going to have a martini.
Oh Toni, Boy do I know how you are feeling. Me too. BTW I am going to have a very large Martini tonight too. I haven’t had a drink all week because of my long working hours. Tonight I will and Toni I will toast to our lives, friendship and the future! BTW you should find someone as wonderful as you are.