Today I woke up in my usual semiconscious state and after a few minutes of just staring vacantly at my ceiling fan going round and round which makes me slightly dizzy, I walked over to the other side of the room to turn on my cell phone to check if there had been any emergencies that have come to light, with the light of dawn. I first check my messages and then I usually read the joke my good friend from the South has sent to me on my text. This usually produces my first smile or laugh of the day. Lately I have been getting a few messages from my long, lost, “was-band” in the form of a joke or two, or a question about my possible move to a less expensive apartment in the very near future. I delete all of the ads on my emails that have arrived overnight, and then I face the harsh reality of checking my bank accounts: business, personal, and the reserve line. Today I was relieved to see that all of the checks that I have cashed and the on-line banking that I have used to pay most of my latest bills, have cleared. I have a plus balance in all three accounts. If I were to tell you what those balances are today you would be surprised. They are all on the plus side but miserably, small for a woman in her 60’s. This isn’t unusual for men and women in their 60’s. It is a sad state to be in as a senior woman who has a son living with her for the moment, as well as three (yes, count ‘em’) three rescued pets, in a very nice, two bedroom, two bath, apartment with a dining area, a washer / dryer, a balcony with a breathtaking view and a comfortable office for me to handle my small business as well as writing my weekly (well, usually weekly) post for my blog. Several situations have led me to this dismal financial state. I won’t go into detailed circumstances of my very fragile financial state as there are several incidents that no one could have predicted two years ago, before my move to the big city, that have contributed to my present position. Am I able to see any light at the end of the tunnel? Well, there are a few little strands of light that might be splintering through the dark tunnel.
There are some good things that come with struggling through financial woes. One, you don’t worry as much about anything else that might be rising with the dawn. You really only concentrate on paying your immediate bills while contemplating new ways to earn more money. This is tricky after one hits the grand old age of 60. Not many businesses are interested in hiring men and woman over sixty. It is a reality and a true, harsh, reality. I interviewed for two jobs in the last few months. Actual shock registered on the face of the twenty-nine –year-old woman who was interviewing me. One woman looked at me and said, “You aren’t the woman I spoke with on the phone are you?” “Yes, I am”, I answered while trying to smile, a youngish smile. “I guess that I have a young voice.” I managed to keep smiling while answering her. Now I don’t look like a teenager but I am hoping that I don’t look my age either. I’m not a beauty, but you know, nice looking for 67 years without the help of any plastic surgery. Hey, just six months ago while taking my second trip to the hospital in an ambulance, (I won’t go into the reason for that trip … good news, it’s nothing serious) the 30ish pretty woman taking my vitals asked me if I was 56 or 46 years old. (I still wish I had that on tape to replay for my family who look at me with very doubtful frowns when I mention that to various friends.)
Here is another good thing about having financial problems. (What could that be you might be asking yourselves?) Well, you set your priorities in a logical manner. I stopped concentrating on my health. Do I have a pain here or there? Yes, but these are the least of my problems. Can I die? Sure, but it better not be today because I have that schedule to fill out and those invoices to send. Therefore, dying has to be postponed for a day or two or to sometime in the future after I have paid those bills staring me in the face. Retirement? Are you joking? There will be no retirement for me. EVER! So, what is the good news? I will keep working while keeping my small business running and I will keep writing. One of these days surely someone will contact me and suggest that I write a column in the local paper and or an agent will come knocking on my door with a contract in hand promising me a huge amount of money to write a book or to turn my script into a movie! Financial success awaits! Financial issues can be a sort of interesting divergence from everyday problems and worries. Arthritis? Who can think about arthritis when looking for a new, nice apartment for my son, my three pets and myself, with a possible view of the ocean, … somewhere in the U.S.A.? Man in my life? Are you kidding? Listen, it would be nice, but right now, I have to move, keep moving, keep living and as I often say, in this very blog, I have to keep on keeping on!
Now, speaking of worth. What am I worth? What are you worth? For some reason I have always known my worth. It comes from inside. Either you feel that you have a worth or you don’t. It’s funny but no one can give you a feeling of your own worth. Isn’t it odd how many rich, and seemingly successful people aren’t happy or fulfilled? I especially try to hold in my anger , when a good-looking, successful, wealthy, healthy, person, professes to be depressed or suicidal. Listen, fellows, just place your selves in my shoes for a moment. I’m working hard, to keep on working hard. Occasionally, I have been surprised at a person’s view of me…. let’s say, not a very complimentary view of me. I had a dear, longtime, friend in the last year who stopped talking to me. I never found out why or what I had possibly done to upset her, to never want her to speak to me again. Puzzling? Sure. Am I devastated? No, I am not. I have tried to live my life without hurting or embarrassing anyone. I know my own worth so I don’t need to make anyone else feel, less. If you know who you are and what you are worth all you have to give to others are good feelings, kindness, and a helping hand, if it is at all possible. So, am I unhappy? No, I am not. Worried? Sure. Who wouldn’t be slightly worried about their future? Do I have faith in myself? Do I think everything will turn out for the better? Sure I do. Why? (As the hair care ad on TV, says)“Because, I’m worth it!“
Until Next Week…