So let’s talk about regrets. Yes, I have had some regrets, however, I am not sure going back in time if I would really change any of my decisions? What I wish I could do is use the television remote control to rewind, stop, change the decision, and then I would push fast forward so that I could see how it would play out. Did I make a mistake? Yes? then rewind again and stick with my original decision. Here is the thing about me that might give you a shock if you have known me for a long time. If you want to remember me as you once thought of me, now is the time to stop reading this post. Are you still reading this? Well that was the warning. Now you read this at your own risk or possible disgust.
My Big Regret
My one big regret I have is that I didn’t have more sex. There I said it. Surprised? I made a list of men that I knew from about 20 years old to about 63 years old that I think would have been interesting to consider with whom I could have had an affair or maybe with whom I would have liked to have only a short one or two day fling. In my life I have gone to four different colleges. I have traveled a lot and met a lot of people. I have lived in many states and in several cities and countries therefore I met a lot of very exciting, intelligent men. I actually made a list. There were 13 men that I met that I think I should have considered as possible lovers. What did they have in common? Most of them were all tall and handsome and clever which means they were also smart, although perhaps height didn’t matter because I did like a few men who were short in stature but definitely on the list. All of these men showed a great deal of interest in me… by asking me out and buying me gifts, flirting, asking about me constantly to my friends and or about me to my family. They were all really smart men, mostly very successful or on the verge of success. A few of these men were very wealthy, some famous, but all of them were wonderfully interesting, smart, and clever and most of them seemed like they “got me”. They got my humor and I think, let’s say, 90% of them liked me for me… yes they really seemed very interested in me. We got along and we had very interesting conversations. They all must have really cared for me because a lot of these men stayed in touch with me for years.
Here is a Sample
A very wealthy businessman invited me to a huge party in a small village. I was the guest of honor. His mother and sisters were there as were most of the villagers from the surrounding villages. Most everyone in the area worked for him in one aspect or another. When we drove though the surrounding villages town’s people curtsied and bowed as his car drove by. I was taken to one of his businesses, which was modern and beautiful. He even had playrooms with nannies for women who worked for him and wanted to be close to their children while working. He took me to his farm and I noticed that there weren’t any animals around except for his horses. I asked him where the animals were. He told me they were to be served at the giant party for me. I know, I know, that bothered me too but underneath the fact I couldn’t help to be slightly impressed??? I just couldn’t help it. The party was incredible, I was introduced to everyone and everyone stood and applauded. I was in the middle of a huge long table. The band played American music for me. I danced and laughed and was toasted throughout the meal. Many people were introduced to me, as were his mother and sisters. At the end of the night this gentleman toasted me with Champagne and two men brought out a huge cake with my name and picture on the giant cake. That night I stayed in one of his houses on the farm. At this time I was studying in Paris. He flew to Paris a few times to see me and one night he invited me to an art showing. The artist was a sculptress. He asked me which sculpture I liked the best … I told him that I thought two of the sculptures were very lovely. Well, of course later that night he told me he bought both of them for me. This was just one of the thirteen. NOW DO YOU SEE HOW STUPID I WAS??? I actually have a few stories like this one to tell but I might get too depressed if I write about them. Let’s just say I was often in magical situations.
The sad thing is what harm would it have done? I’m not sure? They were all really fabulous men. They were all very special. Would I have had a longer, happier life with one of them? I don’t know? Somehow I wish I had tried a little harder to see another side to my life than the perfect daughter, wife and mother.
The Other Regret
The other regret is a simple one. I had a chance to really have what I believe would have been a pretty important career in television. I had offers to make three documentaries for an important television station but I would have had to find half of the money myself as the executive producer of the documentaries. I asked my parents for the money but they really didn’t take my career seriously. I had the money in savings but I didn’t use my own money to back myself. I really regret not believing in myself enough to use my own money to continue my business. The president of one of the largest cable companies contacted me the same day he received five of my television treatments that my business partner and I had written and sent to him. I was getting a name for myself in television in Chicago but I met the man that I would marry and I think although I did love my future husband, I might have taken the easy way out. I married him and moved to France. Marriage was an experience and yes, I am glad that I had the experience … yes, having my two boys was a miracle and I know how wonderful it is to be their mother. Life and marriage was much harder than I had imagined it would be but maybe I had to learn how to face hardships and keep going.
I Still Wonder
Still I can’t help wondering what it would have been like if I had made different choices. I was so lucky to have a mother that I could talk to about everything. I talked to her about my life and my loves. She said that maybe I would not have become the woman that I turned into if I would have made different choices. Mom, maybe you were right.
Until next week…