For the last two weeks I have had a terrible time getting to sleep. I have wrestled with some big problems that have to be sorted out and decisions have to be made within a month. No, it isn’t about my health. I am probably one of the healthiest people I know. I am not sure why? I worry constantly, I am very nervous; I haven’t worked out in years… (OK I just started again but just very recently) I love to have cocktails and or wine whenever possible. True, I like healthy food… love vegetables, like yogurt, only like tiny bits of meat. Like a little bit of fruit and I don’t care for soda … only occasionally with a hamburger. I like cream in my coffee, no sugar, and real cream BTW. Only have one piece of bread a day or less usually … and whole wheat with seeds … I don’t eat much … but I am not skinny, just don’t eat very much, and I don’t do this to be healthy. It is just what I like to eat. Oh yes, for snacks I like a small glass of buttermilk or V8 and a cracker or two. I also allow myself two pieces of candy a day. Now, I don’t smoke anything… and I don’t take drugs… and I haven’t had sex for a long time so that has probably kept me safe in more ways than one. As I said … I don’t live my life this way to be healthy… I just like these things and I guess it somehow keeps me healthy. Now tomorrow, this might all change and I might drop dead of some terrible disease, but for now I will live in happy ignorance of my possible demise. When I do go to a doctor it usually is due to something that has developed from being nervous, being under stress or being clumsy. I regress, back to the huge problem of not being able to sleep.
Your Mind Wanders
When you can’t sleep … you know what happens don’t you? Your mind wanders back in time… sometimes forward in time… to issues you have dealt with or may deal with in the future. So, the other night as I lay (Is it lay?? I will look have to look that up…) awake, hour after hour until the sun poked though the blinds in my bedroom, I went back in time. I started thinking about the last time I did certain things.
One, skiing. I was a decent skier…. I liked to ski in spring when the sun was out and shining hot and I would tie my jacket around my waist and get a suntan while swishing down the mountain. I liked looking at the tan, handsome men of which there are many … especially in Aspen. I stopped skiing in my 30’s. Mostly because the boots always hurt my feet and ankles and I hated to ski during snowstorms… think my toes and fingers froze once in a storm and frankly they still get cold. I still have cold feet. So, when was that last time that I skied down a hill. Did I know it would be the last time?
Two, diving off of a diving board. I mostly jumped off of diving boards into pools but I used to dive too. I learned how to dive in summer camp. I went to a camp in Michigan and we had to learn how to dive. I was a good swimmer but I couldn’t dive. Well, we had to dive into a lake and there were always fish swimming past when I was supposed to dive. And sometimes really, big fish. What if I dove in and hit a fish? I might kill the fish or knock myself out? Somehow, I stuffed my fear behind my bathing cap and learned how to dive into a lake. Now, I still swim but I don’t dive. I actually don’t want to dive, however, I do wonder on my last dive into a pool… did I ever imagine it would be the last time?
Tests, I have studied and studied and studied for school tests since I was, what, maybe, four years old? I would read and underline, write notes and underline. Talk to myself out loud to remember what I needed to learn. Never liked to take tests but I learned how to dig down and fight sleep and boredom and yes memorize the other useless information to pass and yes, even got good grades with an occasional + from a professor! Now I know I will probably face a driving test in the future and I guess doctor’s medical tests that are also probably inevitable. There was one college test that was my last test. I don’t remember which test it was?
Life ends things too. My blog has sex in the title so I guess I should add, Sex, Was the last time I had sex. Was that the last time? Did I know it then? Romance, was the last romantic moment … the last romantic moment ever? Yes, it could be … I know you can’t force romance… at least I know I can’t. Is it possible … I don’t really know?
This led me to people. I have friends that I knew in college that I adored. We were fast, dear, tremendous friends. I couldn’t imagine not knowing them … however, we lost touch … I don’t know where they are or what they are doing or even if they are still alive? So when we said goodbye here without knowing it, it was really goodbye forever. It was the last time. Of course, there have been dear friends and dear family…that have passed on and when we said goodbye, it was the last time.
When It is Over. As the light eventually poked through the blinds I realized that there are things that are over, and over completely, for the last time. The only way to combat this, is to start making some, “first things” to happen again. First, I am writing a blog. First, I am getting some material to write a book. First, I am flirting again at least a little bit … and IN MY 60’S for heaven’s sake! And a really, really, unusual first for me, for the first time in my life in the last four months two different professional women propositioned me. I’m not gay but I do love all of my gay friends, men and women… I’m not interested but heck I was flattered anyway, even if it was the last time.
Until next week…