When I was in my twenties I thought that it would be wonderful to be 48 years old. I’m not sure why I chose that particular age? For some reason I thought when you reached 48 everything in life would be arranged and settled. I somehow thought that the hard part would be over and I would know all of life’s answers and the rest of my life would cruise along without too many worries or cares. I thought my children would be grown and on their way to happy nearly stress less lives. My marriage would be humming along. We would have a lovely home two nice cars. We would be a “We” and we (my husband and I) would travel. My husband would be successful and moving up the ladder to the top of his profession. In other words life would be humming along and pretty calm and easy until the end. I honestly thought the busy and maybe hard part would be over. I would know who I was and the future would be a piece of cake. I actually thought the important things in life would be over as I slid into old age
What a surprise I had in store
I remember my 48th birthday very clearly. My husband was just starting a business that would take us up and down and up again. He had and still has years of hard work ahead of him. I was a mother of a three-year-old son and an eleven-year-old son. A friend of my husband made a trip to Aspen every year with a group of his old buddies from college. They were about ten years younger then I. These men were all attractive, successful, international bankers and stockbrokers. A few were married. My husband’s friend was single as was one man who had just divorced. I invited the whole group to my home to celebrate my birthday. I invited my best friend; we had a lovely dinner, lots of wine and Champagne. My husband’s friend was very handsome and we often joked and flirted a bit. His divorced friend sat next to me and joked with me and asked me to run away with him to live with him in London. They all knew it was my birthday and sang to me as I blew out the eight candles on my cake. The man from London loudly announced that I was going to leave with him and live with him in London. I laughed and stated that I was married with two boys that I adored and I mentioned that I was too old for him. He said, “I am 37 we are only a year apart.” I smiled and said that I was 48… and that it was my 48th birthday. The room went silent. All of the men just sat and stared. It was the first time in my life that I felt old. Later that night I had remembered my old ideas about turning 48. Everything was going to be calm and settled?
I had an epiphany
What really surprised me was that I realized nothing was settled about my life and it didn’t look like anything would be calm or easy or settled for a long time… well really … it just dawned on me that night, that life wasn’t what I had envisioned at all. Maybe, just maybe, life wouldn’t be calm or settled or comfortably finished ever??? At least my life didn’t seem to fit into the role that I had imagined it would be way, way, back when I was is my twenties.
So much of life was ahead of me and so many very difficult life experiences were in my future that I couldn’t have predicted at twenty. All of these were learning experiences, however, many things I couldn’t or that I didn’t know.
THINGS I DIDN’T KNOW
I didn’t know that I would still be married after 35 years but living as a single on my own. I didn’t know that I ever would ever be living in a high rise building in Denver, of all places? I didn’t know that I would have to work full time while raising children. I didn’t know that I would start a small business at fifty-eight with a loan from my sister for stamps and stationary and business cards. I didn’t know that I would be running a business by myself. I didn’t know that it would still be running eight years later. I didn’t know that I would be in my 60’s and writing a blog each week with “SEX “ in the title. I didn’t know that in my late fifties men, much, much younger men, would be asking me to have an affair … REALLY? I didn’t know that in my sixties people would be emailing me and sometimes explaining their personal sex lives???? I didn’t know that I would think that this is fine, normal and okay and interesting. Who would have believed that??? I didn’t know that I would still have ambition and hopes and dreams and making plans for the future. I didn’t know that at this great old age I would be talking to a friend who had just fallen in love. I didn’t know that life keeps happening and frankly isn’t over until it’s over. I didn’t know that problems and issues keep happening. I didn’t know that I am able to handle them alone. I didn’t know that I would still be happy about things that, I DIDN’T KNOW.
Until Next Week….