(“LOSS: a noun the fact or process of losing something or someone. The state of feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value. A person or thing that is badly missed when lost. An amount of money lost by a business or organization. A reduction of power within or among circuits, measured as a ratio of power input to power output.”)
… When deprived of someone or something of value… of value, reduction of power, badly missed when lost…. There are all kinds of loss. If you are privileged to live over the age of 60 then you too have experienced loss. There is the loss of a lover or friend or relative, husband, or wife, and maybe the very worst loss of all is the loss of a child. There is the loss of a pet, a house, and a job, of money and of a marriage, even the loss of one’s health. These are all hard to live though; some are devastating and temporarily heartbreaking but live through them we must. Actually, maybe we have to somehow live with the loss. Maybe it doesn’t go away.
Deprived of something or someone of value. This is narrowing it down … we have lost something or someone of value. A value that makes life better, worth living, more fun, helps to keep us looking forward to the future, something that makes waking up in the morning worth doing.
I have been taken-a-back lately. This is the first time in 35 years that I have lived alone. No husband, no roommate, no children, no pets, not even a plant to water. This is a loss … not one I totally even considered happening right now and so fast. I am not unhappy and actually there are lots of parts of living alone that I really love. I am neat and clean and enjoy a clean apartment. I got to decorate to my own taste and wishes. I don’t have to make dinner if I am not in the mood or even eat if I don’t feel like it. I can listen to the news all day in the background without anyone complaining. I love staying up to all hours working on my computer or often binge watching TV shows on Netflix or watching old movies to my heart’s content. However, I have also had to wonder if having been married for 35 years was all a dream or a big mistake? How can you be married to someone and live with them and then break it off? You don’t see or speak to each other and if you do it is quick, a quick conversation that is either about money or some problem that neither of you want to discuss. What has happened with loss in general is that your vision of life and your vision of the future, has been altered. I have decided that this is the hardest part of loss. We have to change that vision, toss it out or maybe lock it away not to be looked at or thought about again because if we constantly look at what we wished for or the joy or happiness that no longer exists, we lose the present and our future. This is a hard lesson but a lesson that we must learn.
In my other posts I have spoken about my first love and my husband who was my last love. This is my middle love.
Many years ago I fell madly in love with a tall, handsome, young man, who was smart, funny, interesting and interested in me. I might add that I fell in love at first sight. He was continuing his studies in a very respected field at the best Universities in the country. Life was made beautiful overnight …life sparkled and everything became important, more fun and the future was all wrapped up in gold and silver. He had to move to another city far away to attend another university to complete his difficult studies. There were visits, back and forth, magical visits in my view. As in many long distance romances ours ended. He came back to Chicago (my home at the time) to tell me in person that he met someone and was thinking about marrying this woman. He actually put it in a question to me. He said, “I met someone and I am thinking about getting married. What do you think? Do you think I should get married?” Of course, I tried not to disappear and slide in-between the cracks of the sidewalk. Thinking on my feet I tried to tell him the truth. I said, “Maybe if you have to ask me… maybe you aren’t ready.” I won’t go into the rest of the story. He did ask to stay with me that night and I let him but I had enough self-esteem not to have sex. I sat on a chair and smoked cigarettes and felt my heart leave my body. (BTW I stopped smoking 33 years ago.) Not sure I ever connected with my whole heart again … lost at least a small part of it at our last goodbye. We parted in front of my apartment building and he waved from the back of a taxi as I waited for my bus on the way to work. Strangely enough one of the last things he said to me in person was to ask me this, “Will you think about me sometime?” THINK ABOUT HIM SOMETIME? Well, Jack (not his real name) … you will be glad to know that sometimes I did think about you… and like all lost loves I moved on to love again.
The hardest part of love loss is to forget the past but even harder…. is to forget the future… the future that was envisioned in your dreams. So now, after I have lost the past, and lost my parents and grandparents and my beloved sister, and one of my best friends and pets and money and lost lovers, and lost a marriage, what do I do? I have learned to put those losses away…. they still exist but they are locked in a small place in my heart. I am looking forward to the future. We all have to see the future as bright and push the losses back into that small part of our hearts.
I have a lovely red crystal heart that I wear on a gold chain. It is cut so that it sparkles in the light. It is lovely but if you look very closely at it under a magnifying glass it has a few very tiny chips that are hardly noticeable. You see it is just chipped but it isn’t broken.
Until Next Week…