Something has changed. I don’t recognize myself anymore—not when I look in the mirror, I’m getting used to that, but my personality has changed. Where did I go? I used to have guts, lots and lots of guts. I could even be slightly pushy when it was called for. I would get an idea in my head, and nothing would stop me until I achieved my goal. I used to make plans, big plans. How did I have the nerve to do everything I did in the past?
My high school counselor told me not to even apply to college. The next day I went to the library and wrote to about ten colleges. Every one of them accepted me, and one offered me a full scholarship. In the summer after my sophomore year, I decided to go to college in Paris. I went to the French Embassy in Chicago (my hometown) and asked a very busy, uncooperative French woman about colleges in Paris. She literally tossed a booklet to me while talking on the phone to someone. Picking it up off the floor, I decided it was a perfect college for me. After talking my parents into letting me go, I told them that tuition would be the same and wouldn’t cost them much more. (By the way, I lied.) After being accepted to the college in Paris, I found out that there was a special price for students from this international school, and I booked a passage on the SS France. I was off, all by myself, heading to Paris, not knowing one person and speaking only a few sentences in French. Where did I get the courage to do this? I adored Paris, made wonderful friends, and had the time of my life. Next, I finished my college degree, spending two years in London. My best friend moved back to the USA during my last year in London. What did I do with my extra time, you might ask? I went to England’s most famous dance studio, bought myself a leotard and tap shoes, and took tap between my classes and studying. I occasionally saw and occasionally spoke with some of the world’s most famous actors and dancers.
After college, I worked for a few years and then went back to college for a degree in Communications. One of my professors told me that I should try out for an internship at CBS in Chicago. Several thousand students applied. I was one of two who were chosen from my university. Before I knew it, I was producing one to two segments every two weeks.
During my last year at Loyola, I spent my spring break helping a friend take a group of tourists on a week-long trip to Monaco and the South of Italy. While there, I met a French racecar driver. A year and a half later, I married him and moved to France.
I worked as the Head of Marketing for my husband’s perfume and cosmetic company. We were asked by a famous glass company to give our opinion on all of their new designs and to pick out the glass bottles that we thought would be the perfume bottles of the future. They are still using the bottles I chose 38 years later.
My husband and I moved to Monaco for our business. I met and had business dinners and dinner parties with some of the most famous people in the world. I had business meetings in French, even though to this day I have a hard time speaking in the past or future. I managed somehow.
We moved back to the United States when I had my first son. My husband changed careers, and I raised two sons. When my youngest son was about 11 years old, my husband and I separated, and I went back to work full-time.
At 59, I started my own home management company. Some of my clients were world-famous. After 14 years and after moving to a city that was a four-hour drive away, I reluctantly paid everyone off and closed my company.
The last year or so, I have lost my spirit. I lost my “tackle any problem but keep going” spirit. What has happened to the real me? This new me stays in my apartment for weeks at a time. She is just happy and content, not doing anything of consequence. She seems afraid to walk out of her apartment and to do anything new.
Okay, I get it. I am older, and it gets harder to push oneself to try new things and to meet new people. At least I recognize that I am not fond of this new person. I liked the girl and woman who leaped off cliffs and tried new things. It was scary, but this spirit made life pretty interesting. Sometimes it was a mistake, but most of the time it was wonderful and life-changing.
Unfortunately, I think I have lost my guts and a lot of my spirit. Is it age? Why am I not motivated to do anything lately? Where did I go? How did I lose who I used to be?
The good news is that I recognize the problem. Last month, someone asked me to dinner and I went. I almost canceled at least four times before the dinner. However, something in the back of my mind knew that this was a test. I had to go, and I forced myself. I had to drive at night (this was frightening for me, as my city has become rather dangerous in the last few years) across the city through some unusual neighborhoods. The dinner was at a five-star hotel. We had a nice dinner. I learned some new things about this person. I drove home at around midnight. What made this wonderful is the fact that I went and didn’t chicken out. I took one little leap.
Now, due to new circumstances, I need to go back to work. Last week I decided to start a new business. I designed a postcard advertising my new business, and opened a new email for my business. The postcards will be mailed out in eight days. LEAP NUMBER TWO…
Wish me luck. Let’s see if the old me still has a chance of emerging from her shell. I’ll keep you informed.
Until Next Time..
Is There Sex After 60? (Navigating Single Life After 60) 